Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Freedom on the march in New Orleans

The Bush Administration today strongly denied reports of devastation along the Gulf Coast and flooding in New Orleans, and insisted that the situation is already improving.

"Sure, there are pockets where dead-enders and other small puddles of water are trying to reconstitute," said Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld. "But the the forces of dryness are making good progress. Whatever minor impacts we are seeing from the axis of wetness represents tghe last efforts of a dying cause." Rumsfeld also insisted that he knew exactly where the breaches in the levys around the low-lying city of New Orleans were, informing reporters that the breaches were "in the area around New Orleans and east, west, south and north somewhat."

Vice President Dick Cheney was equally adamant. "We are seeing the last throes of insurgent wetness throughout the Gulf Coast area," Cheney maintained.

Finally, President Bush annouced that although the war for terra firma was "hard work," "progress was being made," and said that the lessons of 9/11 would not be forgotten. "We will send all 12 National Guardsmen remaining in Louisiana and Mississipi to Iraq immediately so that we can protect all freedom-loving people against this kind of assault," said the President.

In an unrelated story, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales announced that all male survivors found in the areas under martial law who could not either (a)produce voter records proving they voted for George Bush or (b) prove they belonged to the Sons of Confederate Veterans would be temporarily housed in a shelter located in Gauntanamo Bay, Cuba.

The Department of Defense also revealed that it had awarded Halliburton, Inc. a $12 billion no-bid contract to furnish each affected resident with a lunchbox containing an expired MRE and a bottle of Lake Pontchartrain water. The lunchboxes could be ready for distribution as early as November.


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